#1000Miles: Week 3…932 Miles to go…with a big setback…

1000milesgetthere

It’s been two weeks, and as we get ready to start a third, I have to write one of those posts I hate writing, and that’s the one where I have to sit here and tell you how much I truly struggled this week.

I’ve worked on myself a lot, and overcome even more, but there are still a couple of things that trigger me and send me into a tailspin no matter how much therapy I have or how much I try to put the brakes on once it starts.

On Tuesday night, that thing happened and not only did I dabble in a little self destruction, I became utterly paralyzed to save myself while my brain was screaming, “STOP IT. STOP IT YOU FOOL! THIS DOESN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN!”

I think that’s what makes it worse. You know you’re doing it. You know you’re reverting to old, bad habits, and while your inner dialogue is nothing but screams to stop, you keep on anyway.

I tend to inflict pain on myself when I’m faced with this trigger. I go back to old habits like starving myself, drinking too much wine instead of eating dinner, not sleeping enough, and just being pissed off about everything. I get stuck in that, “What is the point. This always happens anyway,” space internally. I don’t act out very much so no one even knows what’s going on with me, except maybe I’m a bit more aggressive than normal, and I walk around in a greasy, messy bun and sweatpants trying to channel my inner LeAnn Rimes, but after white knuckling through the week emotionally, I was literally shaking in my kitchen last night wondering how I was going to go on like this. You feel like you’re on the verge of tears, but not knowing what to do with them.

Two things in this life have saved me. Writing and running. I am not much of a talker, so these things allow me to process what’s going on and work through it. I had been putting off running all week because the warmth of my misery and sweatpants was just much more appealing.

I walked upstairs to my room, and did a little spiritual ritual to help remove this negative energy and juju from my life, and replace it with a way for me to keep accepting the blessings that are coming my way. I propped myself in bed with some pillows, and instead of sucking on a bottle of wine feeling sorry for myself, I worked on my manuscript and got lost in my characters and their struggles for a while. The great thing about writing fiction is that you get to make things end up exactly as you want them. I went to bed at a decent hour, allowed myself to sleep in a bit this morning, and just decided enough was enough, and I had to get moving again.

And honestly? I really didn’t want to. I was in my skank sweats, and messy, greasy bun, enjoying the warmth of the house. But I made myself go to the gym and run for a half hour. Just 30 minutes. Easy pace, no pressure…JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.

It actually turned out to be a really great run. Treadmill runs are not easy, and this one really was. I even pushed the pace and missing almost a full week of running wasn’t that big of a whoop. Then I went to Yoga, and while the class was stupid today with a bunch of poses I absolutely HATE (I’m looking at you, half moon pose!) it was what I needed to cement that I was leaving all of that negative crap on the treadmill and mat for good, and moving on.

We all have triggers that cause huge internal setbacks in our lives. I don’t have the answer as to how to fix that. I really don’t believe you ever fix them, you just make those setbacks a shorter time frame, I guess. I could look at the other side of this coin and say that it only lasted 4 days…not a week. Maybe the next time it happens, it’ll only throw me off my game for three days, then two, then one, and finally I’ll be able to shrug and say, “Who cares,” and move on with things.

Give yourself permission to ride out a setback, and ease back into things when you’re ready. How long do you get? I don’t know…four days? I’m kidding…I don’t know anything. You’ll know when there’s a little whisper in your head that says, “Get out and go DO something.” It’s important to hear it, though. Then start moving away from your setbacks and toward something better.

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4 thoughts on “#1000Miles: Week 3…932 Miles to go…with a big setback…

  1. I keep telling my self to get up and go which is followed by I love being home. It’s quiet and comfy and peaceful. I am not always sure the right answer is the same all the time. I bet you felt so cozy writing. Nice to know the person dragging us along on this journey struggles too! Keep on keeping on!

  2. WOW Jen,
    Thanks for sharing that! I thought I was the only one that gets stuck in my past. In 2011 my daughter was molested by her softball coach & it’s been a tough journey & I packed on 50lbs of emotional eating. She’s come so far with therapy & our new years resolution is for both of us to get healthy. We haven’t missed one day at the gym since the day after Christmas & were feeling good about our healthy lifestyle. After our workout we leave the PAST at the gym & we keep moving forward & it feels REALLY GOOD!!

  3. “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.” A goofy “hippie” poster from the 70’s, but still so right. Over and over we start over. And that it is moving forward, and that is all that matters.

    To me, life is about spiritual growth, no matter what religion one follows, or don’t. We are spiritual beings in a physical body. But that doesn’t mean the physical body isn’t important. It is our temple.

    I’m determined to keep my outside reflecting the inner me – which is still a child. So, I relentlessly fight the aging process. That keeps me exercising. And really, I LOVE to go to the gym. It is a sanctuary for me. I LOVE to exercise. I’m a nut, but I’ve always been that way. Not every day, not always, but overall. It makes me feel very good, alive, powerful, beautiful, capable, etc. But, I only do what I want to do and only push myself to where I feel comfortable. At my age, I have nothing to prove to anyone. It’s all about making me feel good.

    As far as the demons inside the head – they seem to have less power over the years. None of the trauma really ever goes away, but it doesn’t matter so much, eventually. And the deep down times do diminish and lessen in length, over the years.

    One of best thing about life, as far as I’m concerned, is that it never gets easy so it never gets boring. But the painful things do get easier to bear, and that is a relief. But just when you think you have it all figured out, something is thrown at you that rocks the foundations like a 7.2 earthquake. Something like that is how I found you.

    Keep on keeping on, as S—————o said above. Start over every day, as many days as you’ve got. Over and over, and over and over. There will be ups and downs. But that is fine. It is like the seasons. It’s all going to work out fine, as it should, and is meant to be.

    And with that, Pollyanna will say, “Bye!”

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