It’s been two weeks, and as we get ready to start a third, I have to write one of those posts I hate writing, and that’s the one where I have to sit here and tell you how much I truly struggled this week.
I’ve worked on myself a lot, and overcome even more, but there are still a couple of things that trigger me and send me into a tailspin no matter how much therapy I have or how much I try to put the brakes on once it starts.
On Tuesday night, that thing happened and not only did I dabble in a little self destruction, I became utterly paralyzed to save myself while my brain was screaming, “STOP IT. STOP IT YOU FOOL! THIS DOESN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN!”
I think that’s what makes it worse. You know you’re doing it. You know you’re reverting to old, bad habits, and while your inner dialogue is nothing but screams to stop, you keep on anyway.
I tend to inflict pain on myself when I’m faced with this trigger. I go back to old habits like starving myself, drinking too much wine instead of eating dinner, not sleeping enough, and just being pissed off about everything. I get stuck in that, “What is the point. This always happens anyway,” space internally. I don’t act out very much so no one even knows what’s going on with me, except maybe I’m a bit more aggressive than normal, and I walk around in a greasy, messy bun and sweatpants trying to channel my inner LeAnn Rimes, but after white knuckling through the week emotionally, I was literally shaking in my kitchen last night wondering how I was going to go on like this. You feel like you’re on the verge of tears, but not knowing what to do with them.
Two things in this life have saved me. Writing and running. I am not much of a talker, so these things allow me to process what’s going on and work through it. I had been putting off running all week because the warmth of my misery and sweatpants was just much more appealing.
I walked upstairs to my room, and did a little spiritual ritual to help remove this negative energy and juju from my life, and replace it with a way for me to keep accepting the blessings that are coming my way. I propped myself in bed with some pillows, and instead of sucking on a bottle of wine feeling sorry for myself, I worked on my manuscript and got lost in my characters and their struggles for a while. The great thing about writing fiction is that you get to make things end up exactly as you want them. I went to bed at a decent hour, allowed myself to sleep in a bit this morning, and just decided enough was enough, and I had to get moving again.
And honestly? I really didn’t want to. I was in my skank sweats, and messy, greasy bun, enjoying the warmth of the house. But I made myself go to the gym and run for a half hour. Just 30 minutes. Easy pace, no pressure…JUST GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
It actually turned out to be a really great run. Treadmill runs are not easy, and this one really was. I even pushed the pace and missing almost a full week of running wasn’t that big of a whoop. Then I went to Yoga, and while the class was stupid today with a bunch of poses I absolutely HATE (I’m looking at you, half moon pose!) it was what I needed to cement that I was leaving all of that negative crap on the treadmill and mat for good, and moving on.
We all have triggers that cause huge internal setbacks in our lives. I don’t have the answer as to how to fix that. I really don’t believe you ever fix them, you just make those setbacks a shorter time frame, I guess. I could look at the other side of this coin and say that it only lasted 4 days…not a week. Maybe the next time it happens, it’ll only throw me off my game for three days, then two, then one, and finally I’ll be able to shrug and say, “Who cares,” and move on with things.
Give yourself permission to ride out a setback, and ease back into things when you’re ready. How long do you get? I don’t know…four days? I’m kidding…I don’t know anything. You’ll know when there’s a little whisper in your head that says, “Get out and go DO something.” It’s important to hear it, though. Then start moving away from your setbacks and toward something better.